Lip Venom for all Womankind
Posted by Shotgun James on April 5, 2007
Just found out a guy I kick it live with tried to hook up with a pal of mine. This is not very awesome. This makes me want to make him the first victim of the Lip Venom for All Womankind CampaignTM. To those of you who are unfamiliar with Lip Venom let me tell you what it is. Lip Venom is a magical Lip potion similar to a gloss, but it has super magical powers to make gals lips magically grow pouty and sexy! These magical powers are made by mixing cinnamon and other lip plumping lip awesomeness. It’s a miracle of modern science. The Venom is used to make boys look at your lips and want to kiss them. Wearing it has been proven to be the only way that I can get a man, besides begging.
There is a catch. The Venom burns like a mother fucker and continues to burn for quite awhile. I’m talking rug burn on the mouth. The first time I tried it I wanted to cry, but after looking in the mirror I remembered that beauty is pain and I could use all the help I can get. In spite of the pain the results are worth it because it’s cheaper than restalyne and goes away at the end of the night. Well, what do you think would happen if a gal applies Lip Venom on her mouth then applies lip pressure to a certain part of the male anatomy? (Dear dad, if you ever read this I apologize)
Instructions:
1. This must take place in a motor vehicle. It’s crucial to a successful pain inducing outcome.
2. The only way this plan will work is if the guy doesn’t know yet that you are upset with him a.k.a. “over it”. You will have to find the strength to ignore his inherent douche ness and fall back on your high school acting classes to pretend that you want nothing more than to blow him whilst there is a gear shift stabbing you in the ribs.
3. Start to go down on him with intent and purpose. Attitude is vital. He must be as aroused as humanly possible.
4. Then all of a sudden start crying that you are uncomfortable with the situation! You know how to do it. It’s the same reaction you gave the first time you cheated on a boyfriend.
5. Tell him you need to leave due to this uncomfortable ness. A good phrase is, “I just can’t do this. I’m sorry.” Wipe a tear away. He does not have to know that these are tears of foreshadowing laughter.
6. Slam the car door and run to your apartment as quickly as possible.
7. The joy and pride of a job well done ensues.
8. I reiterate that it has to happen in a car so there is a clear escape route.
The poor loser is now sitting in his car and can’t decide which is worse; the stinging on his cock or the blueness of his balls. Don’t ever mess with a women armed with Lip Venom and motive.
