pinkberry and sweatsuits

It’s 5 am and I am making rice w/ broccoli and pondering life. I don’t know if food and pondering life are scientifically connected, but food does seem to aid in the pondering of life. Food is awesome. This reminds me that it’s definitely time for a trip to The Outback. Anyhow, I’m not vegetarian for eating rice w/ broccoli. I just enjoy foods that I can douse with I Can’t Believe its Not Butter. One time I saw Fabio at Sizzler on Sunset. I didn’t ask him anything about butter because I am not that much of a jackass. I really wanted to, so I’m kind of a jackass. also wanted to ask him if I could put his hair in cornrows and what it was like to be on ANTM. Whatever, so I’m a cookin’ and a ponderin’ and BOOM (!) I have a new theory! Vegans are only vegans so they can think they are better than everyone else..or to get skinny, but there is no way anyone is that ridiculous for any other reason. If they were herbivores purely for health or altruistic reasons then I doubt they would be such snobs about it, right? Yep, Veganism is just another excuse for a group of people to think they are morally superior. I find carnivores to be morally superior or at least intellectually superior because they are smart enough to know that a tofurkey is not cool. And they also know that nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to some good bacon. Bacon is awesome.

(Insert transitional sentence here.)

Sometimes its hard to look at my part in a situation when other people so obviously have a bigger part than I have, and are so obviously delusional, mistaken, retarded and are way more wronger; but not everyone has been trained to lead a spiritual life of self evaluation that includes not blaming others by looking at their own part in a situation and apologizing for even the 1% they are to blame.

Like the lady I saw at Starbucks today. She ruined my morning-ish coffee because she wore black spandex with a hot pink stripe down the leg. I had to pray for her and try to push my judgment aside. She was obviously a very sick person, but really who was more wrong here? Me for a lack of understanding, or her for wearing spandex that caused camel toe? Camel toe lady from the valley (should “valley” be capitalized?) was not a very good person. I didn’t know that women are actually allowed to have camel toe anymore (anymore?) Let alone wear spandex anywhere other than dance class past the age of 1988. She’s no Carl Lewis. So there I stood knowing that I was a little bit wrong for judging the less fortunate (those with no taste or mirrors) but really she needed to see her part and that part was to not be wearing the spandex in places where spandex just doesn’t belong, right?

Not only was Camel toe lady, that was easily pushing an older looking 60 (apparently she hadn’t heard of a little thing I like to call “coloring your hair” or “moisturizer with sunscreen” or “botox”) wearing spandex up her vajayjay, but she had on a shimmering black flight jacket with a furry, glittery boa-like collar. Blasphemy.

Just as I was pondering all I had seen today; spandex up the ‘down there region’ and the return of the shimmering black flight jacket with a furry, glittery boa-like collar I saw a woman about my age wearing one of the spectacular jackets.

My head started to spin.

Does this mean that shimmering black flight jackets with furry, glittery boa-like collars are in? Have they never gone away? I mean, I do have one, but it’s super cute (military green, and is minus the sparkles, feathers and sheen) so it wouldn’t be that bad to pull it out of my closet room. Have spandex bottoms never gone away since I wore a sweet pair of biker shorts (black with a white stripe) to see Colors at the Culver City movie theater in 1988 with Erin Herndon? (Yeah we matched, but that was back in the day when I was Mexican)

This lesbian that used to go out with my ex used to rock one of the jackets, but that was like 12 years ago. Is the recycling of fashion so over used that we need to go back to spandex biker shorts and fuzzy shimmer flight jacket fashions? (Note that if either of these jackets had a “Goose” or “Maverick” patch on it I totally would not have written this) Do only valley people rock these jackets? Has Ice-T’s wife coco ruined it for everyone with the camel toe?

Sometimes it hurts to think this much.

Another common denominator with the valley women are the sweat suits. No matter where you go, what time of day, even if you pray to not see one there will be a middle aged woman in a sweat suit within a yard of you. I’m not talking awesome sweat suits that make your butt look awesome or at least cost 200 bucks. I’m talking Champions. I know these ladies can afford some nice sweat attire because they are very obviously the women that are at Starbucks instead of work because they don’t have to be at work. Is there any situation in which these sweat suits are flattering? Is there any reason that these women love the Champion fashion line so much? Is it really that difficult to throw on a pair of mom jeans (totally in right now) or a nice accessory to distract us from the abundance of cotton? Mom jeans don’t take any more time to put on then sweats. We all put our pants on one leg at a time. (Though there is a risk of CT with the mom jeans…what a quandary.)

I don’t know if it’s the bad sweats that bug me or if it’s just the quantity of sweats that one can see in a 24 hour period should be less than 5 before insanity kicks in, or what. You can call me snobby or vain or whatever you want, but if you want to keep your man at some point you will have to learn that they are visual. (I know I will get s.h.i.t. for this, but ask pretty much any guy. He will tell you. But don’t ask your husband. He probably will lie. You’ll have to ask someone else’s husband) If you want to keep a woman you can wear bad sweats all you want…and then just talk about your feelings all the time.

Now I know one of you smart alec’s will point out that maybe these ladies are on their way to, or returning from, an exercise type of excursion. You are wrong. I go on exercise excursions all the time and they never include pants that make me look like the Pillsbury dough boy. A stretch pant with a large t-shirt is another option I guess, or how about a nice tracksuit? Doesn’t P-Diddy (hyphenate?) make those? Why aren’t they down with the Diddy? Now you say they wear the Champions for comfort, but it’s common knowledge that it’s more comfortable to look awesome then it is to look not awesome.

I’m just sincerely overwhelmed with the amount of sweat suit cotton I have seen in four weeks of living in the valley.

My point: so I am subjected to seeing camel toe, furry fluttery flight jackets that pay no homage to Top Gun and my grandpa’s sweatpants many times throughout out the day and I know what my part is. Contrary to what you might think my part is not that I’m judgmental, neurotic, lacking in my ability to live and let live; my part is that I made the decision to move to the valley and then to run my errands near my new home.

So I guess later today I’m off to Big 5 to get a sweet sweat suit and then off to Gymboree or the place where you can make your own bowls and paint them to get some friends since I am now a valley girl. I won’t be off to pinkberry since I am no longer in the part of town where people pretend to like fake yogurt that tastes like ass. No one really likes pinkberry. If you say you like pinkberry I know you are a liar. It’s really the toppings you like. You just pile them on don’t you? You get a bowl of ass topped with strawberries and chocolate sauce since you know strawberries and chocolate sauce taste awesome then you can say you like LA’s current biggest trend. What happened to Sprinkles? Is that place out now? Cupcakes no good here? There’s no way anyone orders that “yogurt” stuff plain…and really likes it, is there? Well then again people like that John Mayer song, and onions, so you really never can tell with people.

Back to the broccoli…
and my tears.