The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique
Posted: January 31, 2009 Filed under: Real Good Ideas Leave a comment »Aren’t men supposed to be visual? This is why I work out everyday isn’t it? (Zero days/everyday = same difference.) Healthy shmealthy. I want abs of steel and cute ankles! I do not really want abs of steel so as to be attractive to boys. I want to have them so as to have stomach-punching contests. So far, I have won 2 such contests and this makes me feel tough.
Being tough has nothing to do with the visual aspect of man attracting, but neither does having an IQ over a buck 50 or having B Cups, so obviously I’m not a slave to the man. (To the man! Get it?) There are two types of gals that maintain a half decent appearance.
- The first types do it solely because men are “supposedly” visual and these ladies want to be hot cougars man magnets.
- The second types do so for the sake of feeling good about themselves a.k.a. “esteem building”.
One side bonus of maintaining a half decent appearance is hearing guy’s whoop-n-a-holler from their cars while you’re walking down the street. I live in the valley so the pickings are very slim, but everyday walking to the Starbucks I get at least one a-whoop-n-a-holler. This used to be annoying but now I look at it as a positive and think,
“well it’s not a bad thing to be attractive to the gardener”.
(See aforementioned esteem building.)
But what happens when you realize it doesn’t matter what you look like to get a-whoop-n-a-holler’s because the boys you have crushes on seem to always be attracted to skanky hags!? It means you should probably start eating a lot more coffee cake and other baked goods is what it means. It means that all those things covered in fried and lipo inducing treats you have turned down over the past few months are forever gone and from this day forward you will live a life of regret, so if you ever fill out a myspace survey asking what your biggest regret is you won’t have to type some answer to appear spiritual and well grounded such as
“I have no regrets. Everything happens for a reason.” Rather you can type,
“I regret not eating more trans fat”.
This whole “men are visual” thing is confusing because studies show that 8 out of 10 men like massive melons even if they are attached to Chewbacca. Well, Chewbacca isn’t a good example since all guys like Star Wars. What I am getting at is some men say they are into, say, “exotic” gals, but since when does exotic mean backne & cocaine breath?
The other reason the whole “men are visual” is malarkey is simply due to the fact that I’ve ever had a date. If men were visual that most certainly never would have happened. It’s like one of those statistical improbability type of situation thingy’s that mathematician’s are always talking about.
The point is, one time I saw an ex of mine
(girl definition of ex, not the real definition of ex meaning you had to have actually been in a relationship)
with a real classy broad who was suckling upon a lollipop.
The thing is, she looked like Skeletor (anything He-Man is cool) with really bad Warrant video hair (not cool) and was wearing Uggs with a black mini dress to feature her emaciated figure. I don’t want to be catty or anything, but we all know that Skeletor coupled with Warrant video hair and a black mini dress to feature an 8 year old boy body while wearing uggs is beyond unacceptable, which leads me to believe that the Blow Pop was the clincher in this deal.
This got me to thinking (warning: danger) about all my extraordinary gal pals who have smoking hot bodies and cute outfits and sharp, witty minds that also happen to be champion prick practitioner’s but are still riding the single train when they’d rather be on the relationship railway. Choo choo.
So then I realized there are another two types of chicks in the world:
- chicks that know how to attract a top-notch man
- chicks that don’t.
You see no amount of awesomeness and good-lookingness or b.j.skilledness is going to increase your opportunity of meeting guys.
ONLY LOLLIPOP’S WILL.
Which brings us to today’s lesson on how to attract a top-notch man…
I. The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique. This is when a classy broad suckles upon a Blow Pop so as to remind men of the different places they would like to insert their wieners. It is hands down the most effective way to attract a champion of a man.
This action usually takes place in a discothèque setting where a watermelon or cherry flavored Blow Pop is used as the tool of seduction (it’s always a pink candy because pink is for girls! Pink is also code for a lady’s between the legs region which generally speaking is also representative of girl’s). The Blow Pop is usually purchased from the basket of goodies stocked by the bathroom attendant. It’s awesome because Blow Pops only cost 25 cents in the lavatory!
A. Instructions:
1. Insert the candy portion of the lollipop into your mouth.
2. Using one hand swirl the stick portion slowly with intent and commitment.
3. Tilt your head to the side at a 45-degree angle while simultaneously tilting your chin ever so slightly toward your chest in a downward motion.
4. Look up at the object of your affection with a sultry gaze.
5. Your sultry gaze should say, “YOU COULD BE HERE”.
B. In spite of the immense talent involved with the head tilting and the hot eye action while simultaneously slurping (very hard work), there are many obvious problems with using The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique:
1. First of all, it is beyond unsanitary to eat or drink anything that’s in a restroom, so I have to question the intelligence of a person who isn’t smart enough to plan ahead and bring her own lollipops.
Obviously not many gals were in the girl scouts otherwise they would know to be prepared and would go to 711 before going to the bar. But the fact that not many gals were girl scouts makes selling bathroom blow pops quite a lucrative business, so I guess I can’t judge non girl scouts that much because they are helping the economy in the lavatory.
What’s really super confusing is that we all know where little girl’s are taught about Lewinski’s (the girl scouts; there’s a B.J. badge even) so if they weren’t scouts in the first place (which is obvious seeing as they aren’t prepared with their own supply of blow pops) are they just trying to practice on the Blow Pop with no intent to follow through?
If this is the case we have just encountered the worst type of woman, which is the tease. (NOTE: if you are going to foreshadow your evening with a bunch of blow popping you better follow through. Please stop giving other women a bad name!)
2. The other thing that is confusing about The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique is that there are some things men need to be reminded about such as taking out the trash, anniversaries, showering, to not be gay, etc. but what men don’t need to be reminded about is sex. They just need to be awake. Sometimes they don’t even need to be awake. No man has ever written the words,
“be sure to rub the unicorn horn thinking about the badonkadonk I saw at the grocery store today” on his to do list.
Therefore all the lollipop man seizer is doing is wasting her mouthal strength and risking a season ending mandible injury by working out her cheek joints and tongue muscles when not absolutely necessary. Rest your starters.
3. But the most biggest (most biggest) problem with The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique is that there is always the risk of confusion as to whom the suckling is directed toward because it’s guaranteed that any man watching a chick who is partaking in oral play with anything remotely phallus-esque will get a bona fied boner. So before doing this you must search your soul and ask a very important question;
**do you want to make every man think of your mouth in the vicinity of his wiener or just the one guy whose wiener you’d like to acquaint?
Who is the lolli-ing aimed at? Deep. Think about it.
C. Advice to members of The Lollipop Guild: if you want to lick on the lolli then what you should do is only partake in the lolli slurpage while alone in the apartment or vehicle with the guy whose pants lolli you want to find how many licks it takes to get to the center of. Then you won’t have to worry about getting the “wrong kind of attention”. To some the wrong kind of attention means appearing to be a Desperate Debbie, but to others it means getting noticed by the wrong guy. You say potato. Be sure to focus the lolli lickage at the guy whose lolli you want to…forget it. Just get the Miracle Bra from Victoria’s Secret. Men like the chesticles no matter what they are attached to (see aforementioned Chewbacca).
If you think The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique is a little too advanced for your skill set don’t fret. The good news is there is more than one way to milk a cow! In the name of altruism the following is another other really good way to attract a non-abysmal man. That way is to
Be Young
There is another best way to attract a nice gentleman caller and that other best way is to be very young. Young gals are perfect to emulate if you want to snag a first-rate fella because generally young gal brains aren’t fully developed yet. This means they believe every word that comes out of a guy’s mouth. Genius tactic. Sometimes I wish I was young again so I could believe it when a guy tells me I’m pretty or smart or that “it just accidentally slipped into her” or whatever they think will work to be invited for a visit/open invitation to inside my pants.
Don’t get me wrong. I love young people. I love young people for their idealism. I love young people for their ability to stay in shape without working out. I love young people for their overly emotional responses to breaking a nail, but most importantly, I love young gals because they are the best mentor’s in man attracting. They can manipulate any line from a guy as being emotionally intense, i.e.
“Nice ass” = It’s true love, or
“You are so sexy” = he loves me for my mind, or
“It’s so refreshing to meet an intelligent woman” = not a trick to get anal.
I’m so jealous too because it’s usually a youngling that enjoys a nice watermelon Blow Pop (brilliant) but they aren’t even smart enough yet to buy a large supply at Costco (brains not fully developed).
In conclusion, the strategy one must implement to hitch a man of excellence include either The Lollipop Man Seizing Technique and/or being young. These are powerful weapons. Proceed with caution.
