How to Impress Boys by Pretending to Like Football

Author: Allison James | Filed under: Real Good Ideas, Relationships/Dating, Top Posts | 5 Comments »

Cosmopolitan Magazine says if you want to impress a guy you should laugh at his jokes, wear a push up bra, buy him beer and never be yourself.  But they forgot the most important ingredient:

-You must like football!

If you don’t watch football you are missing out on a valuable man hunting technique.  Studies show that football watching is the simplest way to trick a man into putting a ring on it.

 

Here are some tips and tricks on how to impress boys by pretending to like football.

 

Pick a Team:

If you’re going to “like” football you’ll need to pick a team.  It’s a huge decision because the team you choose will affect your fashion decisions for the next 6 months!

There are 4 ways to pick a football team…

• Popularity Method
• Color of Uniform Method
• Statistics Method
• Fatal Attraction Method

 

1. Popularity Method.

Chose a popular team like whoever won the Super Bowl last year or a team with players who moonlight as reality TV stars.

If you like the hip hop music you should pick the team of your favorite rapper.

so,  The Steelers.

If you are romantic pick a team with players who have celebrity wives/girlfriends.

• Bridget Moynahan + Tom Brady = Go Pats!
• Gisele Bundchen + Tom Brady = Go Pats!
• Carrie Underwood + Tony Romo = Go Cowboys!
• Jessica Simpson + Tony Romo = Go Cowboys!

 

2. Color of Uniform Method.

Your team should have uniform colors that looks good with your skin tone.  This way when you wear football outfits you look hot.

Which is why The Browns have no female fans.

If you like to make a “fashion statement” you should choose The Seahawks because they have the most flamboyant costumes.

 

 

3. Statistics Method.

Another way to pick a team is to use statistics, talent, coaching, etc. to make an informed decision.  Just kidding.  Records and stats are for people who care about sports, not just care about getting dates.

 

4. Fatal Attraction Method.

Stalk your future husband to find out his favorite team.  Ta-dow!  You now have a favorite team.

 

Now that you have a team the rest is easy:

- Look the part. “Survival of the prettiest” was first mentioned in Origin of Species.  The theory being that you must look good during football season because there is a lot of competition!

- Die-hard fans look like fans.  Female fans do this by wearing fake tattoos on their faces and by dressing slutty.  It’s called,

“drunk at a sports bar chic”.

-  All jerseys worn by women MUST BE PINK!

- All fans own at least one jersey.  Yours should be of any cute player.

So, Tom Brady.

- Guys like chicks who are good at math.

• He likes the NFL +
• He likes lingerie +
• You like shopping +
• You like attention =

A picture of you in panties which displays his NFL team logo.

Send it.  He will see your dedication to both the team and your love.  And don’t worry.  He won’t show it to his friends.

-  Cheerleaders do hair flips and the splits.  Men love those things.  Learn them.  Know them.

-  Jocks get excited after EVERYTHING.  He will think you’re cool if you give him a high five after sex.

- Send him this…

-  During each game the cameraman pervs out on a hot cheerleader.  This happens before every commercial break.  Be prepared to say,

“Check out her rack!”

Guys like fake lesbians because it reminds them of threesomes.

- If invited to a football gathering always bring food, but bring more than one bag of chips.  If you only bring a bag of chips the people who brought real food will resent you…forever.

- When referring to a team, always use the color of their costume as opposed to their actual team name.  For example,

“the red team has really cute costumes.”

- Brett Favre retirement jokes are no longer funny.

- Brett Favre exposing his wiener while wearing Crocs jokes are still funny.

- Half of football is the game.  The other half is the announcer spouting meaningless statistics throughout the game.  TV makes it easy to sound football smart.  Listen to the announcer.  Wait about five minutes… then repeat everything he said.  Your football knowledge will impress the boys which in turn will make their pants grow.

- Sound knowledgeable by saying bad ass things like,

“I don’t care who wins.  I’m just a fan of the sport.”

- Follow football people on twitter.  Steal their tweets then text them to that special someone.

- Use your teenage boy brain.  Everything said during a game can be made into a sexual innuendo.  If you verbalize it you will get asked to dinner AND a movie.  Again, just repeat the announcers:

• “penetration in the backfield”
• “it’s a game of inches”
• “pound it up the middle”

- Repeat after me,

“Rape-lisburger is cock boy!”

- Lighten up.  Things that are offensive in the real world are funny in football world.  Be prepared to hear a lot of mens names followed with synonyms for “vagina”.

- Lots of times in football players sprain their ankles, but you are not allowed to show sympathy.  Professional athletes make a boatload of money and you are never to feel sorry for them.  People get very mad if you worry about a sprained ankle.

- Men are extremely focused at the two-minute warning.  This is a good time to talk about your feelings.

- Give him a handy during the game.

- Don’t feel bad for lying about football.  Sure you are a liar, but you will also get laid.  Boys lie to get laid all the time…

Like EVERY TIME they get laid.

Using the above tactics will get you at least one marriage proposal per week.  Or at the very least a football party drunken bathroom make out session.

---