Ancient Secrets of Preparing for a First Date

Author: Allison James | Filed under: Relationships/Dating, Top Posts | No Comments »

new column for sporitelab.com

Its important to look at a date for what it really is

YOUR LAST CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS

Which is why you should never accept a date at the last minute!   Not because you have a dumb moral code about it or a full life…

It’s because you need prep time!

Getting ready for a date starts the moment you are asked out. Hopefully he gives you at least one-weeks advance notice.

This is enough time for the Botox bruises to disappear.

After being asked out you’ll obviously tweet about it, call your mom, make an itinerary of date preparedness activities and take time off work

***Side Note:  It’s total nonsense that date preparation days aren’t treated like sick days, but we’ll take that up during election time.

Preparing for a first Date

Remember the # 1 Rule: Dating is all about illusions.

Keeping it real is for idiots.

***Your main objective is to look at least 5 years younger than your actual age. It’s because men prefer younger women because young chicks have fewer standards,

and brains,

so are easier to manipulate.

With the aid of Botox, hair color, makeup, moisturizer, fake tanner & Spanx there is no excuse for looking like an old bat.

The other way to look younger is to

GIVE HIM BEER GOGGLES.

Step 1. The Date Outfit

Men are visual. What you wear on a first date will make or break you. Sure you want him to like you for what’s on the inside,

but this has never happened in the history of the world.

There are 3 methods for picking a date outfit.

• Costumes Method
• Assume the Sale Method
• Cleavage Method

Costumes Method

Guys love fantasy & role-playing games, which is why World of Warcraft, fantasy football and porn are so popular. Halloween is the one day a year when guys get to play fantasy in the real world. Smart women know that everyday can be Halloween. Indulge his boy brain by wearing a costume. Put on some lingerie with an accessory and you’re done.

• Lingerie + hair in bun and glasses = Naughty Teacher
• Lingerie + handcuffs = Naughty Cop
• Lingerie + apron = His Mom

Assume the Sale Method

Assuming the sale means just that. Assume you’ll get the result you want. This is what guys do when they invite you over to watch a movie. They assume you will hump them…

and you always do!

Visualize where you see yourself in the next 2 years? Is it as a soccer mom who makes Tang or in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant?

If that’s what you want dress the part.

The only difference between the Assume the Sale Method and the Costumes Method is sluttiness.  The Assume the Sale method should not be slutty. Guys want to marry a lady on the street but a freak in the sheets.

Cleavage Method

The more cleavage you show the less pressure there is for you to have a good personality. Boobs are the easiest way to distract a man from EVERYTHING.  He’ll forget about your huge ass

or that he is married!

Cleavage is a decision every woman needs to make for herself, but the rule of thumb is you want to show enough so he gets a partial woody, but not enough so you look like a whorebag.

More Tips

First Date Shopping List:

• Condoms
• Slogan Panties
• Valium because you need to calm the fuck down

- You know a date went well if he asks to “use the restroom” or makes up another dumb excuse to get inside your home.  People assume it’s so he can try to have sex, but it’s really a test to see if you are a good homemaker.

Pro Tip: Leave birth control pills on your bathroom counter. This avoids the uncomfortable “should we use rubbers” talk.

- Check his Facebook status 100 times to see if he has posted about you.

- Starve

- Make a Mix tape of confidence boosting sexy songs to play while getting dressed:

• Naughty Girls Need Love To by Samantha Fox
• I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred
• Physical by Olivia Newton John
• The song about Milkshakes bringing boys to the yard

If you think a make out party is in your future you’ll want to be prepared with a romantic mix tape:

• I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd
• Anything Phil Collins or Air Supply
• The Song from Top Gun
• Freaks of the Industry by Digital Underground

- Read Dating tips like what to talk about on a first date or advice on how to give a good blowski.

BJ’s on a first date aren’t slutty.

Just NO rear entry.

The Big Day!!!

- Your first thought upon awakening should be

“this is my last chance for true love and a baby”

This will freak you out so you’ll turn to god for support. Say a prayer to the Baby Jesus asking for an open heart and an open womb.

- Pull out your hope chest and vision board. Stare at it while eating breakfast.

Eat breakfast while wearing a wedding gown.

This is the only time you are allowed to eat today.

- Guys are born with magical radar that senses desperation. They know you’re desperate… therefore easy!

This is how I get dates.

At the same time quality men actually want to date confident women. The easiest way not to give off a desperate vibe is to have sex with someone else.

It’s impossible to be desperate with a wiener in you.

- Live tweet the anxiety, excitement and how fat you feel, but

DO NOT TELL FACEBOOK.

The two of you are probably Facebook friends. If he sees you’re talking about him on Facebook it might back fire on you. Who wants a gal who is more concerned with the Internet than preparing for the date? He’ll think you aren’t serious about love!

- If you want him to like you, you’ll need to look nothing like yourself. You need makeup and tons of it. There’s nothing wrong with looking like a clown. Heck, God invented makeup to insure survival of the species. And there’s always a nice lady at the mall willing to do it for free!

- Spend the day trying to relax. Do this by spending  “me” time having a massage, hiking or smoking weed.

- Visualize your wedding.

- Give yourself a good 6 hours to get dressed.

-  Panic!

-  Change outfits 5 times.

-  Do this while sipping wine.

So you’re drunk and classy for the date!

Pro tip: Tell him about the preparation that went into the date. He will appreciate your effort.

Do these things and you will get a second date, guaranteed.  If he did not ask for a second date you weren’t showing enough cleavage.

Come back next Friday for more life altering information!

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