How to Survive a Break Up by Becoming a Cat Lady
Posted: January 6th, 2012 | Author: Allison James | Filed under: Real Good Ideas, Relationships/Dating, Sportie LA, Top Posts | No Comments »They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Not true.
The best way to get over someone is to become a cat lady!
This holds especially true if your ex has a new girlfriend within 3 months of your break up.
But you shouldn’t mind if the other woman is a phony biatch who pretends to like “charity work” or “the environment”.
It’s even okay if she:
- is a skank
- is your sister
- smells like cocaine
- has bad eyebrows
- has the IQ of a goat
- was born when I was in high school
- dislikes football
- eats tofurkey
What is NOT okay is if this bitch wears bad shoes!
Bad
Also Bad
We’ve all had the empowering experience of a post break up metamorphism:
- You break up
- get in shape
- get your hair did
You’re feeling sassier than Mary Tyler Moore!
then BOOM!
You see a picture of your ex with a chick that is wearing Birkenstocks!
It makes you question the whole relationship and wonder what he saw in you in the first place.
Like, “if he’s willing to date a wearer of tacky shoes then what did I even bring to the relationship!?”
Knowing your ex-s new lady is footwear challenged can be heart breaking. So heartbreaking that you might find yourself partaking in all kinds of self-defeating activities to forget, activities like housecleaning or exercise.
Other times it is so devastating that you might want to consider a major lifestyle change. For most women that change is to become a lesbian. Being a lesbian could be a fine option except for one major flaw.
- It involves interaction with other people.
(When I’m heartbroken the only other person I want to be around is a pizza.)
Which brings us to the age old question,
“What’s a gal to do when her ex is going out with a chick wearing socks with sandals, yet she also dislikes vajayjay’s?”
The answer is clear: it’s time to invest in some cats….
cat
“I really like cats” is hardly reason enough to become a cat lady.
Your reason needs to be fueled by pain! You know, the kind of pain that requires the breakfast of champions:
- cookie dough
- wine coolers
- Sex & the City
This is depressed
- If you have shaved your legs in the past two weeks you are not depressed enough!
- If you are in an outfit other than pajamas you are not depressed enough!
- If you are listening to anything other than I Will Always Love You, Whitney Houston style, you are not depressed enough!
If it’s not that kind of pain go and get some life experience and come back when the word optimism is no longer in your vocabulary!
The pain needs to be something like:
“He didn’t call”
“He was insensitive to my needs”
“His new girlfriend wears these…”
The requirement is simple:
You can delve into the world of cat ladies for any reason just so long as that reason involves:
a penis
+
whatever is attached to that penis has screwed you over!
If your reasons for becoming a cat lady aren’t strong enough then one day you might have a moment of weakness and accidentally end up making out with the mailman! Cat ladies have imaginary friends, not real ones!
-and most certainly not ones with wieners.
If you want to be a Cat Lady the first rule is never play the victim role. You might have been screwed over by a boy, but being a cat lady requires a conscious decision to “take your power back”! You are a feminist now and feminist’s always take their power back!
Also remember the golden rule of feminism:
All feminist principles go right out the window if he wants to get back together.
Change is scary, but you will intuitively know you’ve made the right decision because I Am Woman Hear Me Roar will start playing in your head. And it won’t be easy. You might have to listen to Tracy Chapman. You might never spoon again. You might decide to give lesbianism or cougarism a try. But you will get to go scavenger hunting for cat lady supplies. Are you ready!?
To Be Continued…
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