5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Cat Lady

Posted: January 27th, 2012 | Author: Allison James | Filed under: Relationships/Dating, Sportie LA, Top Posts | No Comments »

Cat Lady is an ancient Latin phrase meaning:

“I am a lady who loves cats and never gets laid”.

It’s an appealing option after a breakup.  It’s even more appealing once you’ve run out of ice cream and ex boyfriends to fix on!

If you’ve decided to swear off men forever…

again…

Here are 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Cat Lady:

1. Cats

– If you want to be a cat lady you ‘ll need cats.  You’re probably thinking,

“but I have 37 stuffed animal cat’s on my bed.”

They do not count. If they can’t scratch your face off they do not qualify.

The best place to get real cats is at your local shelter, but don’t go to a breeder. If you go to a breeder people judge you and PETA will picket your apartment.

–When deciding how many cats to adopt you don’t want to get too many, the rule of thumb is…

THAT WAS A TEST!  There is no such thing as too many cats!

Like they say, “Cats are like potato chips, it’s hard to have just one”.  Plus the more cats you have the higher the likelihood you end up on an episode of Hoarders!

– What you decide to name your cats is vital. The most popular cat names are cute ones like “Pickles” or “Buttons”. But these cats are going to be your life partners, so those options are unacceptable. If I had a cat his name would be Dave. That way when people called to see if I’d like to do activities I could tell them,

“I’m hanging out with Dave”

and no one would be the wiser.

– Communication is essential to a healthy relationship, especially because your cat is not only your pet, but also your therapist.  The way to communicate with cats is to talk to them like they are babies/dumbdumb’s (same difference). Cat’s only understand if you speak to them in baby talk. Just speak 5 octives higher than normal and make up meaningless sounds that are supposed to mean, “you’re so cute”.  It’s the same voice you used to try to get your ex boyfriend to do stuff for you. It’s also the reason he dumped you. Grown women don’t pout or talk like babies…

except to their bitchin’ cats!

2. Style

– Turning into a cat lady is much more difficult for a good looking chick, so the transition will be easy for me.  If you are good looking the basic idea is to make sure you are unattractive to men. Men are visual and your visual package should be one of repulsion.

Cat ladies are most famously known for the line,

“He should like me for me”.

Sure, he should like you for you, but he has to have a reason to like you in the first place, and that reason is because he likes what he sees, so he wants to put his wiener in it!

**Your job is to make sure no wieners want to be placed on or near you**

The easiest way to do that is to say goodbye to hair removal products. Good riddance razors, wax and tweezers! Uni-brow and a lady-stache are to cat ladies what mascara and handbags are to regular people.

– When it comes to cat lady fashions there are three options: muumuu’s, bathrobes and sweats.

**PRO TIP Like a fine wine, when it comes to sweats, the older the better. If you don’t own sweats head down to the Goodwill. Then not only do you get new “casual wear” but also get to be thrifty with your finances and do a deed of good will. Three cat lady activities in one!

3. Friends

– If you want to be a cat lady you will have to rid yourself of all things that are holding you back; things such as goals and dreams. You also need to find new friends.

Friends should be supportive, not the type of people who want to do social activities all the time. Those people are selfish. They probably believe in “unconditional love”. As a more evolved human being you know there is no such thing as unconditional love.

A belief in unconditional love is a set up for disappointment –so it’s important to know the conditions.

Unlike men who have 4 conditions:

• food
• sex
• sex
• sex

Cats have only 2 conditions:

• food
• don’t make them shower with you

Understanding conditions means maintaining reasonable expectations, which results in a solid relationship with your cats.

– If you decide to keep human friends make sure they are mostly cyber buddies. Cyber relationships have more depth and substance than real ones. You don’t have to deal with technicalities such as “reality” or “leaving the house”.

The best way to weed out losers is to have all of your social networking profile pictures feature your cats.  The idea is to “keep it real” so people know your priorities.  Also be sure your facebook profile features at least 2 photo albums with your cats like  “Buttons Visits the Vet Boohoo” or “Fluffy in Costumes”

4. Hobbies

– You might think you enjoy soccer or dance class, but you don’t. You like scrapbooking! Your scrapbooks will include many photos of your cats but no photos from when you were happy.

Another fun craft is to design a sweatshirt with puffy paint that reads,

“My cat is PURRRRfect”.

Scrapbooking, quilting and pottery are what Saturday nights were made for! It’s eerie how cat lady hobbies are so similar to stay at home mom hobbies, but not all that eerie seeing as how neither of them get laid on a regular basis.

5. Home

– Cat lady apartments are the same as regular people apartments except for the dander, smell, lighting, furniture, decor and the tenants.  Cat lady apartments tend to have a lot of doilies and knick knacks.  They also have a lot of fake flowers to brighten up the place, you know, to pretend there is some actual life in there other than the cats.

– It’s essential your apartment has a large collection of cat art.

– If you have any cool books on politics, science or history get rid of them. They are completely unnecessary and a waste of space that could be used for more important things like Fabio romance novels.

– Also you need a bowl of candy corn and Branch’s butterscotch candies. This way when you have visitors they will think your home is inviting and they will want to stay in spite of the Oprah reruns on constant replay on your VHS system.

Pros and cons of being a cat lady

• Never having to share your food is a pro. Never getting to spoon is a con.
• Saving money on a gym membership is a pro. Never getting to spoon is a con.
• Enjoying the company of cats is a pro. Dealing with armpit hair is a con.
• Never waiting for a boy to call is a pro. Knowing a boy will never call is a con.
• Saving lots of money on shoes is a pro. Going to the Renaissance Faire is a con.
• Wearing a muumuu is a pro. What’s under your muumuu is a con.
• Going couponing is a pro. Talking to your plants is a con.
• Knowing all the other ladies at the DMV so you never have to wait in line is a pro. No penile injections is a con.

Now it’s decision making time.  It appears the best part of being a cat lady is you never have to share your food with anyone because you are always alone. But if you do enjoy cuddle time (with real people) then you have to weigh your priorities.

The decision to become a cat lady is a choice every woman needs to make for herself.

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