6 Ways to Be Skinny & Awesome

Author: Allison James | Filed under: Real Good Ideas, Top Posts | No Comments »

It’s important to know who and what you are, so you know how to improve as a person!

For example, I have fat sausage link fingers, arms the size of 100 year old redwood trees and a face longer than Mr. Ed’s!

Stretch marks, cellulite, saddle bags and wrinkles are a depressing fact of life, but what’s even more depressing is featuring them as part of your ensemble!

Like, I might have lines on my forehead, but I’m not going to draw a circle around them with a red sharpie then parade about town.

“Hey look! Check out my sweet forehead wrinkles.”

No, I just wear bangs.

Or get Botox.

Or wear a veil!

The good news is there are ways to disguise our insecurities.

• Ugly feet = closed toed shoes
• Pregnancy stretch marks = no cropped tops
• Ugly face = attend many masquerade balls!

It’s ALL easily solvable which is why I don’t understand this lady…

She has the worst muffin top/ass cleavage combo of all time!  Her problems would be solved if she would just do this one simple thing called..

“wearing clothes that fit” or “pulling up her pants” or “covering her ass belly with a shirt”

Like This…

 

The most common problem areas are:

• Saddlebags: fatty thigh protrusions that cause a lot crying.
• Cellulite: dimples, but not the face kind.
• Short neck: a neck that isn’t long a.k.a. Barney Rubble-esque.
• Chicken wings: arms that jiggle like jello.
• Thin lips: thin lips.
• Double chin: 2 chins for the price of one.

Let’s solve them!!!

Saddlebags:

This is a serious problem that affects 57% of women in America.  Unless you have 5 grand to spare for liposuction you might feel hopeless. No amount of exercise will alter saddlebags and no amount of therapy will make you feel better about having them.

The solution is to wear an open top that has a length that cuts right at the center of the thigh protrusion. Like this…

+ =

See the improvement!? The saddle bags have disappeared!

Cellulite:

If you have cellulite you’re not alone.  Studies have shown that cellulite is the most common problem for American women ages 15-97.

**The solution is to put red light bulbs in your bedroom! Red lights are what strippers use in strip clubs because it makes skin look nice.

Also don’t wear thin, light colored pants.  This is important because unless you are the most confident person under the sun, most people believe their cellulite is a problem that should be kept behind closed doors. I don’t neccessarily believe it belongs in the closet

but it doesn’t belong in hot pants.

The only acceptable cellulite circumstance is while wearing a bathing suit. At swimming events no one is paying attention to your ass because they are too busy worrying about their own!

Short Neck:

If you have a short neck under no circumstance should you wear a choker or large earrings. Chokers and long earrings make a stump neck look more stumpy.  And always wear a V-Neck.

Chicken Wings:

I know what you’re thinking:

“who doesn’t love chicken wings with dipping sauces?”

But when they come attached to a human arm it’s a different story.

Chicken wing arms are a toughie, especially for tank top wearers.  Basically you want to reduce your arm fat surface area, so never stand with your arms next to your body.  People’s eyes will be drawn to wear your hands are placed, so I like to put them on my waist since it’s small. If you have nice tata’s put your hands there and no one will notice ANYTHING else. If you have nice feet you should hold them! It might make walking difficult, but shoe fetish guys will love you and that’s always a good kind of man because he will buy you shoes for your birthday!

Thin Lips:

Don’t know why this is such a huge problem considering it is so easily solvable for 15-550 dollars. Repeat after me:

“Lip plumper and lip fillers.”

Who doesn’t want lips that are kissable anyway? Apparently lots of people, especially this girl in the mustard sweater. After much counseling she was convinced to invest in a little item called

“gets your lips done”.

The before and after is astounding.

Cankles:

Rule # 1 No ankle straps ever.

Rule # 2 Wear long pants!

Rule #3 Draw attention to your upper body.  Wear a colorful top or go topless.

Double Chin:

If you don’t like your chiny chin chin you’re kind of screwed…

that is unless you are a fan of Halloween!

This is because you get to wear a disguise and that disguise is a beard.

If you want to create a jaw line grow a thin chin curtain that lines your face.

Another option is the ’Abe Lincoln’ with a trimmed down modification!

The best option might be the ’ZZ Top’ because then not only is the chin(s) disguised, but also chicks will think you are a rock star that sings about legs!

Follow these tips to make the world a better place!

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