Never Trust a Guy Who Likes Valentines Day

Never trust a guy who likes Valentine’s Day.

He’s lying!

What he really likes is March 14th which is

Steak & a BJ Day!

“March 14th is now officially ‘Steak and Blowjob Day’. Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. That’s it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine’s Day and Steak and BJ Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th. It’s like a perpetual love machine!”

**Translation: Some guy needed to find a way to get his girlfriend to give him more mouth romance.  He invented a holiday that would guarantee hoovering in March if he gave her an extra special Valentine’s Day!

Read the rest of this entry »

5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Cat Lady

Cat Lady is an ancient Latin phrase meaning:

Extreme Cat Lady

“I am a lady who loves cats and never gets laid”.

It’s an appealing option after a breakup.  It’s even more appealing once you’ve run out of ice cream and ex boyfriends to fix on!

If you’ve decided to swear off men forever…

again…

Here are 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Cat Lady:

Read the rest of this entry »

How to Survive a Break Up by Becoming a Cat Lady

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

Not true.

The best way to get over someone is to become a cat lady!

Read the rest of this entry »

What Chicks Say & What They Mean

Chicks always say exactly what they mean.

Just kidding!

If you want to understand women you need to be a mind reader!

Or get an interpreter!

Or follow this scientific formula:

1. Take what she says.
2. Then think the exact opposite.
3. Then add a bunch of extra stuff to it.

For example…

-  What she says = “nothing is wrong”

-  The exact opposite =  “something is wrong”

-  Add a bunch of extra stuff to it =

“*sigh, nothing, *sigh….nothing is wrooonnngggg.”

Read the rest of this entry »

What Guys Say & What They Mean

Guys aren’t very smart.

It’s because their brain cells live in their wieners!

Conversely, the communication centers in the female brain are 3 times the size of those in the male brain.  Chick’s think more than guys do.  It’s science!

Due to their small brains guys get frustrated when they have to explain stuff to women.  It’s not that they don’t want to explain themselves, it’s just that its hurts them to actually have to think about anything…

unless its wiener related.

(sometimes they like to think about food or sports too.)

Because they lack the capacity for thought, they say things that can easily be misinterpreted like,

“hi” and “what’s up”.

And because they are more like untrained animals than real people, they get all bitchy and flustered when chicks ask for clarification.  So, if you’ve ever wondered,

“What does he mean by that”

here you go…

Read the rest of this entry »

Why Guys Don't Call & How To Get Him To Call You

Have you ever had a crush on a gay guy?

I have.

Didn’t know he was gay until I saw my competition (it’s a war).  She looked like a man!  Nothing against the gays it’s just that dating them rarely works out.

The situation was frustrating, but also made me happy he and I never hooked up because what if he expected to find a wiener in my pants!?  He’d just be disappointed then tell everyone I suck in bed!

And now we know why guys don’t call when they say they will…

It’s because you don’t have a penis.

Read the rest of this entry »

Whats Your Score on the Slut-O-Meter? Take This Quiz to Find Out!

My latest for sportielab.com

- According to social standards if you have big boobs and dress like a “dancer” then you are a slut.

You might be a virgin, but it doesn’t matter.  A virgin in a mini skirt and 5 inch platform heels is still a ho!

- According to double standards a man can get jiggy with the entire city of Hollywood and will never be considered a regular whore.

Just a man whore

….which just makes more women want to meet his man sausage!

-  According to me, sluttiness is simply determined by if you humped my boyfriend…

or if you humped a guy i wish was my boyfriend, or used to be my boyfriend or a guy who is my imaginary boyfriend.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ancient Secrets of Preparing for a First Date

new column for sporitelab.com

Its important to look at a date for what it really is

YOUR LAST CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS

Which is why you should never accept a date at the last minute!   Not because you have a dumb moral code about it or a full life…

It’s because you need prep time!

Getting ready for a date starts the moment you are asked out. Hopefully he gives you at least one-weeks advance notice.

This is enough time for the Botox bruises to disappear.

Read the rest of this entry »

How to Get a 2nd Date. Stop Talking About Dumb Stuff!

First dates are stressful!

You have to worry about:

• Looking hot.
• Pretending to be sane.
• And acting like you’re not a slut!

On top of that you have to remember to fake laugh at his dumb jokes all while trying to figure out if he is married, has mommy issues or is gay.  It’s a lot of multi tasking.

With all this pressure the last thing you need to worry about is being entertaining!

Read the rest of this entry »

How to Impress Boys by Pretending to Like Football

New column for sportielab.com

Cosmopolitan Magazine says if you want to impress a guy you should laugh at his jokes, wear a push up bra, buy him beer and never be yourself.  But they forgot the most important ingredient:

-You must pretend to like football!

If you don’t watch football you are missing out on a valuable man hunting technique.  Studies show that football watching is the simplest way to trick a man into putting a ring on it.  I spend 15 hours per week doing football activities.  It’s part of my master plan to wed by age 50.

Read the rest of this entry »