They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Not true.
The best way to get over someone is to become a cat lady!
Chicks always say exactly what they mean.
Just kidding!
If you want to understand women you need to be a mind reader!
Or get an interpreter!
Or follow this scientific formula:
For example…
- What she says = “nothing is wrong”
- The exact opposite = “something is wrong”
- Add a bunch of extra stuff to it =
“*sigh, nothing, *sigh….nothing is wrooonnngggg.”
Guys aren’t very smart.
It’s because their brain cells live in their wieners!
Conversely, the communication centers in the female brain are 3 times the size of those in the male brain. Chick’s think more than guys do. It’s science!
Due to their small brains guys get frustrated when they have to explain stuff to women. It’s not that they don’t want to explain themselves, it’s just that its hurts them to actually have to think about anything…
unless its wiener related.
(sometimes they like to think about food or sports too.)
Because they lack the capacity for thought, they say things that can easily be misinterpreted like,
“hi” and “what’s up”.
And because they are more like untrained animals than real people, they get all bitchy and flustered when chicks ask for clarification. So, if you’ve ever wondered,
“What does he mean by that”
here you go…
Have you ever had a crush on a gay guy?
I have.
Didn’t know he was gay until I saw my competition (it’s a war). She looked like a man! Nothing against the gays it’s just that dating them rarely works out.
The situation was frustrating, but also made me happy he and I never hooked up because what if he expected to find a wiener in my pants!? He’d just be disappointed then tell everyone I suck in bed!
And now we know why guys don’t call when they say they will…
It’s because you don’t have a penis.
My latest for sportielab.com
- According to social standards if you have big boobs and dress like a “dancer” then you are a slut.
You might be a virgin, but it doesn’t matter. A virgin in a mini skirt and 5 inch platform heels is still a ho!
- According to double standards a man can get jiggy with the entire city of Hollywood and will never be considered a regular whore.
Just a man whore
….which just makes more women want to meet his man sausage!
- According to me, sluttiness is simply determined by if you humped my boyfriend…
or if you humped a guy i wish was my boyfriend, or used to be my boyfriend or a guy who is my imaginary boyfriend.
new column for sporitelab.com
Its important to look at a date for what it really is
YOUR LAST CHANCE FOR HAPPINESS
Which is why you should never accept a date at the last minute! Not because you have a dumb moral code about it or a full life…
It’s because you need prep time!
Getting ready for a date starts the moment you are asked out. Hopefully he gives you at least one-weeks advance notice.
This is enough time for the Botox bruises to disappear.
Cosmopolitan Magazine says if you want to impress a guy you should laugh at his jokes, wear a push up bra, buy him beer and never be yourself. But they forgot the most important ingredient:
-You must like football!
If you don’t watch football you are missing out on a valuable man hunting technique. Studies show that football watching is the simplest way to trick a man into putting a ring on it.
Here are some tips and tricks on how to impress boys by pretending to like football.
A frenemy is a girl who is your friend…
And is also a two-faced biatch.
Frenemy relationships are triggered by jealousy. Basically she is jealous that you are more awesome than she is!
All women are guilty of frenemy behavior from time to time. Like when my pal said I was a bad friend. She said my jealousy made her uncomfortable. But I was like,
“You humped my boyfriend!”
Then she was all,
“Yeah jealous bitch, you should be happy that I got some action!”
This is the frenemy specialty. They confuse you into thinking you are crazy!
What’s the 4th most important thing after water, food and awesome shoes?
It’s “not dying alone”.
EVERYONE knows that single is a disease. If you are single in Los Angeles it’s worse than single in other places because it means you are discriminated against doing many fun activities.
For example, single people can’t go to the Griffith Observatory because astronomy is for lovers. There’s even a sign posted at the entrance which reads:
Jennifer Leigh Strauss Photography
Big knockers count for so much in Los Angeles. Basically if you have small ones you’re spending Saturday night with your single, flat chested girlfriends shopping for cookie dough at Rock ‘n Roll Ralphs . Why are big ones so important anyhow? All they mean is fake or fat. Not that being overweight, having a sugar daddy or supplementing ones income by working at Crazy Girls are bad things, it’s just that I am mad at god!
If breasts are so important then my purchase of AAPL at 80 was dumb. That money would have been more wisely invested in fake melons.
If X = Wise financial investments
And Y = Not being fat
Then X+Y = I have no tits!