Cat Lady is an ancient Latin phrase meaning:
Extreme Cat Lady
“I am a lady who loves cats and never gets laid”.
It’s an appealing option after a breakup. It’s even more appealing once you’ve run out of ice cream and ex boyfriends to fix on!
If you’ve decided to swear off men forever…
again…
Here are 5 Easy Steps to Becoming a Cat Lady:
It’s important to know who and what you are, so you know how to improve as a person!
For example, I have fat sausage link fingers, arms the size of 100 year old redwood trees and a face longer than Mr. Ed’s!
Stretch marks, cellulite, saddle bags and wrinkles are a depressing fact of life, but what’s even more depressing is featuring them as part of your ensemble!
Like, I might have lines on my forehead, but I’m not going to draw a circle around them with a red sharpie then parade about town.
“Hey look! Check out my sweet forehead wrinkles.”
No, I just wear bangs.
Or get Botox.
Or wear a veil!
They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Not true.
The best way to get over someone is to become a cat lady!
"Winning"
2011 was the year of the zombie! We were riveted by The Walking Dead and bombarded with the video for Party Rock Anthem. Even The Center for Disease Control got jiggy with the Preparedness 101: Zombie Survival Guide!
Other people just wouldn’t go away no matter how hard we wanted to kill their careers —like Kim Kardashian or Charlie Sheen.
Top zombie sightings of 2011 were:
but enough about politics.
If it doesn’t have to do with hot chicks and hot man candy it’s not worth reading.
Finding the perfect holiday gift for your lady can be a nightmare!
If you get something generic she’ll complain that you don’t think she’s special. If you get the wrong gift she’ll complain that,
“you don’t know me at all!”
Either way you’ll have to listen to her talk about her feelings for 6 hours!
What women want is simple:
To be rescued by Prince Charming!
But if you don’t have a white horse what are you going to get her that won’t require you to fake listen to her emotional break down because you got her pajamas instead of an engagement ring?
The number one rule of boyfriend gift giving is to make sure your present doesn’t suck.
The second rule is to give him a present that is way better than what his last girlfriend gave him!
Historically, when it comes to boyfriend gifts there are 3 options:
Cologne is nice, but it’s what every girl gets her boyfriend if she is too “classy” to give video games or lap dances. Let’s be honest, if you’re reading this you aren’t classy. Cologne is out.
Chicks always say exactly what they mean.
Just kidding!
If you want to understand women you need to be a mind reader!
Or get an interpreter!
Or follow this scientific formula:
For example…
- What she says = “nothing is wrong”
- The exact opposite = “something is wrong”
- Add a bunch of extra stuff to it =
“*sigh, nothing, *sigh….nothing is wrooonnngggg.”
Guys aren’t very smart.
It’s because their brain cells live in their wieners!
Conversely, the communication centers in the female brain are 3 times the size of those in the male brain. Chick’s think more than guys do. It’s science!
Due to their small brains guys get frustrated when they have to explain stuff to women. It’s not that they don’t want to explain themselves, it’s just that its hurts them to actually have to think about anything…
unless its wiener related.
(sometimes they like to think about food or sports too.)
Because they lack the capacity for thought, they say things that can easily be misinterpreted like,
“hi” and “what’s up”.
And because they are more like untrained animals than real people, they get all bitchy and flustered when chicks ask for clarification. So, if you’ve ever wondered,
“What does he mean by that”
here you go…
Austin Powers is your fashion role model!
Hey boys, want to get more action?
If so, the first step is to understand the female brain!
There are 5 criteria chicks use to decide if they will make out with you:
If you want to attract an ugly chick no need to keep reading. Just give her a Lord of the Rings DVD box set, patchouli oil and some butter. She’s yours.
But if you want to make out with a hot chick you’re gonna have to look like a hot piece of man candy!
It’s time to dress to impress…
Deciding on a Halloween costume is stressful! Your main concern should be how to be as scary as possible!
Just kidding.
It’s “How can I be the sluttiest slut there is!?”