You want him to know you are a “free-spirit” and fun, but you don’t want him to know you are that way with every guy you’ve ever met.

If you have invited him in for a “night cap” then he will end the date for you.  He will simply sneak out once he’s had his way with you.

But if you’re prude, so ended your date the old fashioned way,

(handy in the car)

here is what you should do…

1.  When he kisses you goodnight be sure to have your cell phone ready.  You’ll want to snap a shot of your magical first kiss.

2.  If you don’t have his email address, get it.  You need it to send him a copy of your calendar so he knows when you are available…

which is ALL THE TIME.

3.  You also need his email to to send a thank you note for the nice time you had.

**So like you know how it feels great when a guy calls right after he leaves you.  They LOVE this too.  You want to be sure to leave a message ASAP, so it will be waiting for him when he gets home.  It should say,

“I miss you already”.

4. Remember the first kiss photo you took?  Make that your Facebook profile picture.  Then send a friend request.

He will be putty in your hands.  Guaranteed second date!

Last week we discussed can’t fail first date conversation topics.

Here are a few more things to talk about on a first date:

1.  Ex boyfriends.  Points to emphasize are:

• You still love him.
• How dramatic the relationship was/is.
• He is a psycho.
• How you let him walk all over you.
• If he is an MMA fighter.

And how good he was in bed.

2.   Sexual Innuendos are always good.  Order foods that are shaped like wieners like,

• Sausages
• Bananas
• Wieners

3.  Family History.  For me it’s,

“My dad is a mother effing Marine and knows 6 ways to kill a man with one hand.  What’s your family like?”

4.   Ask him if he wants to pet your kitty

Pet your kitty.

5. Women are so phony with their “lipstick” and “manners”.  Guys want to know what you are really like behind the smoke and mirrors.

One way to show him is to talk about your health problems!

Any thing having to do with your vajayjay is good such as STD’s or “that time of the month”!

It serves two purposes.  Not only will this get him to think about your love tunnel, but will also show him you are “keeping it real”.

6.  Show your confidence by talking smack about other women.

** Pro tip:  Before heading to the lavatory tell him you will miss him while you’re gone. 

Do you make me look fat?

7.Guys like to give compliments, like…

“You could never talk too much” or

 “You don’t look fat”

This is why you HAVE to ask him if you look fat!  You’re giving him the opportunity to say you look skinny!

The woman who often asks if she looks fat is the woman who is never lonely on Saturday night.

8. Wedding dresses.  Actually just wear one on the date.

9.  Invite him in for a nightcap.  Or to view your “wedding” album on Pinterest!

You have to worry about:

• Looking hot.
• Pretending to be sane.
• And acting like you’re not a slut!

On top of that you have to remember to fake laugh at his jokes all while trying to figure out if he:

• Is married
• Has mommy issues
• Or is gay

It’s a lot of multitasking!

With all that pressure the last thing you want to worry about is how to be entertaining!

Here are a few things to talk about on a first date:

1. Tattoos.

If you have a tramp stamp SHOW HIM.  Then not only will he know you are a tramp (always a good thing) but he’ll have something sexual to think about while pretending to be interested in what you’re saying.

2.   Marilyn Monroe said,

“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

This is why on a first date you should complain…  A lot!

It’s never too soon to find out if he can handle you at your worst.  More importantly you’ll find out if he is a good emotional crutch!

He has to be a good emotional crutch because once you have a man he can replace your therapist!

3.  Repeat after me

“You and I would have good-looking kids.”

4.   Do you have a diary with the details of your past sexual conquests?   If not, it’s no mystery why you are single.   Every potential baby daddy should read your little black book.  Sexual experience is the most important part of a relationship.  No one wants to marry a non-slutty virgin!

You should even bring reference letters.

(He doesn’t have to know you wrote them yourself!)

5.  Have you ever asked a guy to get something from the fridge?

The item is always right in front of them, but they never see it!

Guys really can’t see what’s right in front of them!

So if he can’t see it on his own you’re going to have to tell him…

what a hot piece of ass you are and that you are easy!

This is why she ends up in a stripper outfit by the 3rd movie

6.  The “experts” suggest if you want to get to know someone you should ask icebreaker questions.  Popular subjects are fun things like your first concert or favorite childhood memory.

But dates are NOT about having fun.

Dating should be deep and meaningful from the very start.  People that talk about surface level “fun stuff” are afraid of intimacy.

Plus guys LOVE sharing tender moments with women they’ve just met!

By opening up about your daddy issues you have just shown your future husband that you deal with problems head on.

AND THAT YOU ARE LIKELY TO HAVE A THREESOME!

Daddy + Issues = 3somes!

**  Pro Tip:  Text message throughout the date.  This makes you seem popular.

Don’t tell him you are texting with your mom.

7.  Ask about his favorite things such as books, TV shows, etc.

PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED.

Then share yours:

• Oprah
• Dr. Phil
• Men are From Mars Women are From Venus
• The Rules
• Having a baby in 9 months
• Team Edward
• Ex Boyfriends
• Hello Kitty
• Spooning
• Arts & Crafts
• Gossip
• Butterflies
• Cheese Products
• Butter
• Obsessing over his texts
• Gold digging
• Romance Novels
• Tenderness
• The Bachelor
• TMZ
• Weight Watchers
• Bonbons
• Therapy
• Doogie Howser
• Unicorns

Let me know how these work for you!

Check back Wednesday for more Can’t Fail First Date Conversation Topics!

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Not a regretful, “I shouldn’t have done that, so I want to take it back.”

But more of a, “I don’t think I did a very good job, so would like another chance to show that my skill level is up to par!”

We all have, so how can you tell if you’re good in bed!?

1. He doesn’t fall asleep. A huge sign that a man is in sexual heaven is that he stays awake while you’re doing the no pants dance. How many times have you been huffing and puffing away just to see your hump buddy is dead asleep dreaming about sandwiches?  All the time, right?

When your sexual chemistry is on point, he would rather stay awake than think about sandwiches.

2. He gives you a booty call. A booty call is the sincerest form of flattery. It means out of all the people in the world YOU are the one he thought of last! He’s saving the best for last!

** Contrary to popular belief, a booty call doesn’t mean you are convenient or easy, it means you are a top-notch love machine!

3. He cries during sex. If he follows crying up with a romantic request to cuddle or watch The Twilight Saga then you know you have a magical vajayjay!

Or that he is gay.

4. He remembers your name. Guys have a lot of stuff to remember. They have to remember to:

• take out the trash
• put the cap on the toothpaste
• and your anniversary date

You can’t expect them to remember your name too!?

How many times have you been enthralled in the passion of lovemaking just to hear your partner call you a generic, “baby” or “boo” or “sexy biatch”? He doesn’t really think you are his boo or a sexy biatch…

He forgot your name.

It’s worse if he calls you Jennifer or Chloe when your name is actually Stephanie? (Happens to me all the time.)

But if he shouts your real name to the high heavens, then rest assured, you are good in bed.

5. He asks you to make him a sandwich. Guys love three things:

• blowski’s
• Bruce Willis movies
• chicks who make them food

If he asks you to make him food it’s a huge sign that he trusts you. He trusts that you won’t poison him!

Also, if he asks you to make him a sandwich that means he wants you to stay over. He wants nourishment and fuel for round two. He probably wants to do it again to prove he has still “got it” even though he’s no longer in his 20’s.

Asking you to make a sandwich is way better than if he asks you to lock the door on your way out. But if he does that, don’t worry. He’s just playing hard to get.  He doesn’t want you to know that he’s more obsessed with your horizontal hula skills than he is with sports, Star Wars & sandwiches -combined.

At a bar or in a 12-step meeting!

Then the flirting shifts to Facebook!

But dating in LA is confusing.  Most of the time you don’t even know if you are on a date!

Following is a typical Los Angeles “dating” ritual.

1. Facebook, Twitter or Instagram witty banter.

2. Your phone is attached to your hip for 3 days. You sleep with it under your pillow frantically checking for more Facebook, Twitter or Instagram witty banter.

3. Finally he asks if you want to, “hang out”. Well he doesn’t actually ask you. He sends it via Facebook message. If he’s super interested you might even get a text message!

4. You don’t know if it’s a date or not because he asked you to “hang out” but who cares! He is cute and you stalked his social networking profiles enough to know that he isn’t a murderer! Also you’re tired of spending your nights with Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte…and your cat.

5. You agree to drive to HIS house to “watch a movie”.

At ten pm.

Sure it’s late, but you understand. He had band practice.

Plus it’s not far. It’s only 2 hours away with traffic.

No biggie.

6. He asks you to stop at the store on your way over to pick up whatever he needs, even if it’s not movie night related!(Like the one time a guy asked me to bring over Carmel Vanilla Creamer and toothpicks.)

His asking you to run errands is a HUGE sign he likes you. He sees you as wife material!

7. You get to his place. You don’t mind that he doesn’t meet you at your car because you are an independent woman just like Beyonce! He respects your girl power! So much so in fact that he doesn’t reimburse you for the toothpicks and non-dairy creamer.

8. Finally, he kisses you.

9. Within 5 minutes you do The NO Pants Dance!!

10. You swear you’ve

“Never done anything like this before.”

11. If he doesn’t

“Have to wake up early the next morning”

Or if he calls the next day, you assume the two of you are dating because a sleepover or phone call is rare in that situation.

–Even after a first date that special!

12. While you think you’re dating, he probably doesn’t even know if he likes you in “that way” yet.

I mean really chicks, so much pressure. He has to sleep with you at least 5 times no strings attached and be delivered various household products before he knows if he really likes you!

13. If you get a second “date” guess what you’ll be doing?  
Yep!

You get to drive to his place to watch a movie.  This time he orders a pizza!

He buys the pizza, but you pay the tip. More feminism!

NOTE: If he orders Chinese food then he definitely likes you in that way, but pizza is still grey area.

Other ways to tell if an LA guy likes you:

- He Tweets, Instagrams or leaves you a comment on Facebook. He wants to interact with you and doesn’t care who sees it.

- He does NOT tweet, Instagram or leave you a comment on Facebook. He wants your relationship to go smoothly, so doesn’t want the added pressure of his girlfriend asking who you are!

- He flirts with other chick’s online. He doesn’t mean it. He just wants to make you jealous.  It’s a test to see if you care!

- He tells you he isn’t looking for a relationship. He is a keeper. He is thoughtful enough to let you know where he stands AND will still give you his man sausage!

- He has sex with you… more than just once!

- He disappears for undisclosed periods of time. Because his feelings are so strong he needs time to deal with his feelings!

- He never calls only texts. The sound of your voice is too much too handle!

- He humps your sister or best friend. He wants to be close to your family!

Does your “boyfriend” say, “I’m just not looking for a relationship right now” when the two of you have been playing the horizontal hula for like 6 months and he even bought you a Christmas present!?

Does your husband like nachos more than he likes you?

Romantic relationships with guys can be tough.  Just like it’s tough to deal with puppies…

or herpes.

Which is why a lot of chicks convert to lesbianism in their late 40′s!

So finally one day you decide that no amount of spooning or date nights at Sizzler are worth putting up with his baloney!  You grab your balls and end the relationship.   You feel empowered…

until you find out he has a new girlfriend within five minutes of your breakup!

AND this girl has even fewer standards than you do because she is still in her 20′s!

You’re crushed…and feel fat.  :(

When it comes to dating guys have plenty of options, so there is no incentive for them to change their behavior.  It’s a vicious cycle that must be stopped!

So you know how every few months you get a chain email about boycotting gas companies?  Here is your new boycott:

A SEX BOYCOTT!

Studies show that If guys couldn’t get laid they would be more awesome (aka desperate)!

Obviously if you are married this will be easy because nothing will change, but for regular people there will be no sex for any reason:

• No Afternoon Delight
• No Pour Some Sugar on Me
• No making the sweet love
• No makeup sex.
• No sport sex
• No sex because you are feeling insecure
• No sex to get presents
• No sex to trick him into getting you pregnant

There will be NO sexual healing.  You do not want to Shoop.  Your milkshake won’t bring anyone to the yard!

We have two slogan’s:

Chicks Before Dicks!

and

A Hand Job is a Mans Job!

It won’t be easy. Boys will try every trick in the book to get inside of you!

They might even try to bribe you by promising quality handholding time or cheeseburgers with bacon on it!

But your love can’t be bought!  Even if you are the romantic type who loves The Notebook

-do NOT believe his man-lies!

We must show courage in the face of adversity.  We can start support groups with coffee and cookies!

Let us stand in unity and remember what Susan B Anthony fought for…

Ho’s Before Bro’s!

I have!

What’s YOUR crappiest breakup story?

When you think about your ex does it make you want to:

• Gut punch him?
• Hide his porn?
• Stalk him at bars then roofie his drinks with laxatives?
• Or revenge hump his dad?

If it doesn’t then you need to increase the vengeance in your heart!

What do most chick’s do following a break up?

They upload a new, sexy Facebook profile picture and post other photos that show how much fun they are having now that they are single.

Enough with the child’s play!

If you’re gonna try to make him jealous you should do it in a way that hurts…

Post pictures of yourself…

-having a threesome with two other chicks.

If he didn’t regret breaking up with you before he sure will now!

But do NOT do anything like this:

That just makes you look catty/psycho. If you behave that way he wins!  By all means be catty and psycho   -just don’t let him know it!

Try this:

Do you use LipVenom?

Lip Venom is similar to regular lip-gloss, but has magical powers to make your lips grow pouty and sexy! It makes boys look at your lips and want to kiss them!

Lip Venom works by irritating your lips which forces blood to the surface causing swelling. Basically, the magical ingredients are fire and pain.

The results are worth it though because it’s cheaper than Dermal Fillers and the pain is temporary…
Unlike the pain of a broken heart

-Which lasts FOREVER!

So you take a vengeful broken heart then add Lip Venom and what do you get?

SWEET REVENGE!

What do you think would happen if a gal applies Lip Venom to her mouth then applies her mouth to a certain part of the male anatomy?

Instructions:

1. You need to be a good actress. Try to remember everything you learned in high school drama club -except for the singing show tunes all the time and the being a dork part.

2. The scene must take place in his car. Hopefully he has one.

3. The only way this plan will work is if the guy doesn’t know you are upset with him. You will have to find the strength to ignore his inherent yuckiness and act like you want nothing more than to give him a Lewinsky while a gear shift stabs you in the ribs!

4. Start heading down town. Pretend that being invited to a party in his pants is better than:

• chocolate ice cream
• a good hair day
• the color pink
• bunnies
• spooning
• a PMS free existence
• and winning your fantasy football league

COMBINED

5. Then suddenly, during the blowjanky, start crying that you are uncomfortable with the situation! You know how to do it. It’s the same reaction you gave the first time you had a one-night stand and said,

“I’ve never done anything like this before”.

6. Tell him you need to leave because you feel too much pressure! A good phrase is,

“I just can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

7. Start crying. He does not need to know that these are tears of laughter!

8. Exit the vehicle and run to your apartment as quickly as possible.

9. The pride and joy of a job well done ensue.

10. To reiterate, it has to happen in a car so there is a clear escape route!

The culprit is now sitting in his car and can’t decide which is worse:

The stinging on his wiener or the blueness of his ballular region.

Don’t mess with a woman armed with Lip Venom and motive!