Chicks Are Weird

There are many things I don’t mind playing second fiddle to: family, career, boy’s night out, poker, beer, other women and a delicious tostada salad. Sometimes people have to come second to the things I find important such as football, closet organization, cheeseburgers, shopping, reading the books, washing the hair and Tupperware parties. People have priorities that don’t always match. Neither do people have to understand why another persons’ priorities are important. They are what they are.

What’s confusing though is when anyone has any kind of priority that comes before me! Please don’t misinterpret that. I understand and love “me time” which is why it’s so confusing; shouldn’t everyone love “me time”. (Me time as in the definition of “Me” = Allison.)

Like one time I wanted to spoon with my brother.

Desperately.

It wasn’t even a want. It was an obsession. I expressed this to him via emails, calls, texts, parcel post and pigeon carrier; only about 37 times in one day, but he seemed to think that “going to work” was more important. What a dick. I think he was just playing mind games. I mean, come on. Who would choose being able to pay bills over spooning with their 5-year-older sister? (I just had to count on my fingers to figure out how much older I am).

The point is, there are just some things a gal doesn’t want to come second to in a relationship such as sleep, eating & bowel movements. When I see those things arise as a pattern I can’t help but to become quite mystified. What kind of man would chose sleep over quality time sitting in front of the fire place on a bear skin rug listening to Air Supply? Your picker is obviously broken when you’d date a guy who needs to do odd things like go to the bathroom without wanting you right there by his side for emotional support. I’m so tired of men and their “intimacy issues”.

Bewilderment over his out of whack priorities generally shouldn’t occur until the 3-week point in a new relationship and shouldn’t happen until there is a valid reason. (Granted there is a fine line between “being in a relationship” and “getting laid regularly”, but that’s just semantics.) Week 3 is usually when you will get your first occurrence of a disappearing act, also known as The Houdini.

The Houdini occurs when you have been spending way too much time together and your guy is either getting too much shit from his friends, wants to test your response to not calling or he realizes that he needs to find a balance. Balance, ba humbug. I don’t even balance my checkbook, what a bunch of hooey.

Your response to the first Houdini is going to set the tone for your entire relationship, so it’s important to get it right. This is the time to take your balls out of your purse and demonstrate the true meaning of the word perseverance i.e. Go Big or Go Home. He is testing your level of commitment to decide if you are a keeper or not. Your actions during this important time could mean the difference between a trip to Kay Jeweler’s or “everything was going great. I have no idea what happened”.

When he pulls the first Houdini please remember never to question how you feel about him because that silliness doesn’t matter. You’ll want to agonize over every detail of your relationship thus far to analyze how you think he feels about you. Then take whatever actions necessary to make him love you.

Men are simple. They just want a gal that is on the prowl for a relationship. They don’t even care so much if it is specifically him that you want. They just need to know that they are filling a role and that is generally why they Houdini. It’s a simple test to see just how badly you want to see his entire posse of friends dance to Play That Funky Music White Boy at your wedding. This is why your response to the Houdini is vital and you must make showing him you care the number one priority in your life. If you are willing to go the whole nine yards before you know his middle name or birthday than he will know that he just might fit into the role of relationship filler. This makes men feel appreciated (which is as important to him as it is for a gal to feel pretty).

When you notice that he has begun to abandon your love bond, and if you are serious about taking over the top ranked position of importance, there are a few activities that are crucial to make this happen. Of course you can attempt the obvious: drunk dial’s, drive by’s, leaving cookies on his doorstep, tattooing your first name with his last name across your belly, etc. but chicks use these tactics so often that, although they are highly appreciated, men have become immune to them because they lack creativity and pizzazz. Men love pizzazz. And what’s more pizzazzy then household chores, especially laundry!?

One time a guy asked me to do his laundry after dating for one week. Had he asked at the three week Houdini point I’d a probably separated colors from whites, but his asking was premature as I was completely secure in the fact that he was enamored with my wit and abs, but who isn’t? My one friend (I only have one friend) said it is important to show him that I care and the best way to do this is through housecleaning. But I screwed up and laughed while saying, “I could do your laundry, but if you teach a man to fish he will eat forever”.

I believe laundry washing is something that is earned such as trust or anal. But what the heck do I know? It’s funny because people always say things to me such as, “you are so wise”. To which is respond, “yeah”, but if I were truly wise I would have played Molly Maid. Now we know why I’m not married. Had I done his wash we’d for sure still be together and this is why laundry and other demonstrations of your domestic side are so gosh darn powerful.

Another thing about men is they appreciate any activity that allows them to not have to think with anything other then their penile unit. They also love food! When you see his interest waning all you have to do is combine his love of food with his lack of brain function by preparing 42 different types of meat products for him so he always has something to eat that week! The first step is to find a way into his home when he isn’t there. If you have to break in that’s fine. He is totally comfortable with you having access to all areas of his life even though he might not know it yet. (Women mature faster than men which is how come we know this stuff way before they do.) The next step is simple: prepare 28 meaty meals along with 14 scrumptious snacks. Put it all in Tupperware and label it. This way every time he eats he will think of you! That’s for 7 whole entire days!

If some douche-noz suggests that preparing 42 different types of meaty meals for a guy you hardly know seems creepy don’t listen. Haters always try to cock block because they are jealous. Some people are simply under the false impression that men like a challenge. This is rubbish. What men want is convenience. The goal is to be on the other end of his remote control. If the fellow’s know they can get you to do anything they want then they are way more apt to call you at 2 am after they have been out with their friends all night and seriously what is more important then making sure he isn’t with another woman in the middle of the night? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Think about it and be honest. If you show up for him any time of day, at a moments notice, like a pizza delivery boy or a poontang delivery girl, he will see that your level of loyalty to the love liaison is unparalleled and he will grow to love you forever…

And don’t fret gals, Booty call does not mean that you “don’t require him to put in the work” or are a moped (fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to see you on it). Booty call means there is no other woman he’d rather have with him after he was unsuccessful in picking up another broad at the bar that night. You win because he chose you!

And ladies, please, never, under any circumstance go out with your girlfriends or do the things you would normally do when single. Having hobbies and interests is fine when there isn’t a man around but once you snag one your life should be all about pleasing him. This is non negotiable. Basically you want your Romeo to think that your job is being his girlfriend! And when you hear him say some crap such as, “why don’t you go out for a girls night” don’t buy it. That is just another one of his manipulation tactics to test your allegiance. If you used to go to the gym in the evenings it’s time to cut that nonsense out. Pottery class is fine for single ladies, but it’s no longer your hobby (unless of course your man is a pottery buff). If he enjoys hunting then you love elk meat. If he likes strippers then head on down to Crazy Girls. Simply put, you must become 100% willing to change everything about yourself otherwise you will find yourself with a pint of Haagen Dazs watching the Sex & the City Movie every night for the next 30-90 days.

While we’re on the topic of change there is another element that is crucial in becoming his number one and that element is to morph into his ex girlfriend. You know, the one he claims he still has feelings for that damaged him so much that he can’t fully commit to you because he is “afraid of getting hurt again,” the one that you are being so very understanding about. Go ahead and grab a box of L’Oreal hair color and make a career change. Stalk her social networking pages and copy her outfits. If this advanced tactic doesn’t work then the guy is probably a closeted gay.

Some of your girlfriends might become butt sore when you no longer return their phone calls or flake on them at the last minute, but don’t worry. They are obviously the jealous types that suggest prepping 28 steaks/burgers/yummy hot dogs is going a little overboard, plus you know they will be there for you once you are single again…as if you’ll need them. HAHAHA! That was funny because we all know by implementing these priority tactics you won’t need anything or anyone other than your man… ever!

To reiterate, the ways to become a priority in your mans life after the week 3 Houdini is to use your God given womanly powers of house cleaning, hunting, humping and shape-shifting. If you’re feeling real edgy and confident then you must always, always, always (3 always’ means it’s important) accuse him of boning other women. If you really want to be a prize insult other women too. It makes you look better and will make his heart pitter-patter. Then the cherry on top is to make a collage of the time you spent together with photos and ticket stubs etc! If you are real smart you’ll make a diorama! One time I made my boyfriend a paper fish and a jar with oil and a cigarette in it. I was 17 but hooked the guy for almost a decade so you know there is a lot to be said for the arts and crafts.

And lastly, when you notice the Houdini be sure to leave a voice message and an email (Do both. You want to be certain he gets it) telling him how you want to make the babies. Boom! Success ensues. The tide was high. You held on!